Category: TV

Size is Important

Even so, there is a lot to be said for the cautious approach, especially if she is engrossed in one of her favourite TV programmes at the time. There is – I’ve found – nothing more disconcerting to the lady of the household than interrupting her when she is engrossed. Particularly if the aforementioned drama is getting to a good bit that could involve the removal of the protagonist’s shirt for some strenuous scything. It is best therefore to wait until the end of the programme, or an advertising break – depending on how urgent the need. If you are…

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The Great Trailer Mystery

Everyone knows that trailers ruin TV programmes by showing all the good bits and destroying narrative tension. For so long now, people have wondered why this happens, despite the number of times viewers have complained about both showing trailers and the ubiquity of them. Many trailers only show all the good bits – for example, all the funny bits in an alleged ‘comedy’ programme. They also often spoil the programme they are attempting to advertise by showing too much of what happens in each forthcoming episode. What is worse is the TV channels now routinely insert Coming Up Next Time,…

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The Naked Gardener

Now world-famous for trimming her bush live on BBC3.142’s Naked Gardening, Herbaceous Seedling has become a horticultural media sensation. Countless millions of viewers have watched her uncanny prowess with handling a dibber on web video Sites. Her naked gardening DVDs have outsold not only the top-selling porn DVDs but also the recordings of semi-naked actors doing a bit of sweaty scything in historical dramas set in Cornwall. Many TV critics have put Seedling’s success down to the way her buds are always perky during filming, and how she holds the camera’s attention even when bending down for a bit of…

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Olympic Level Cheese Ignoring

Spigot Tremblehammer is probably the world’s leading exponent of the ancient art of cheese ignoring. Although there are still several professional and semi-professional cheese ignoring leagues throughout the world (and Canada), many sports fans often overlook it. However, all that is set to change now that the Olympic committee has confirmed that cheese ignoring will be – only for the second time – included in the Olympic games. That is providing the Olympic organisers can find a city daft enough to stump up the eye-bleeding sums necessary to host the next games. Of course, cheese ignoring was all set to…

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The Pandatoe Conundrum

Jumpstart Pandatoe first noticed the phenomenon that has come to bear her name at quite a young age. Back then, she used to pay attention to the news programmes whenever they came on TV, which was unusual in a youngster, as people only really start paying attention to the news when they are too old to do anything about it. Of course, as a young person, most of the news seemed irrelevant or unimportant to her. After all, the TV news mostly consists of short video shots of middle-aged men in suits entering or leaving buildings with a sense of…

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Software Problems

But, as you have probably worked out by now, it wasn’t supposed to work out like this. Somewhere, buried within the code, there must be a bug. Some have suggested that we take it down, rewrite the code and reboot the whole system. The Boss is not happy about that, though. Although, someone did point out that it was – in the beginning, as it were – very much a rush job. Seven… sorry, six days for something like this from planning to execution, there were bound to be a few teething troubles. But He got what he asked for,…

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Furryparts and Documentaries

Cucumber Furryparts is undoubtedly the UK’s leading expert on presenting TV documentaries. From history documentaries about the prehistoric world, right through to current affairs documentaries about the political crisis of the moment, she is there on screen giving apparently thoughtful insights direct to camera. Of course, as most people know Furryparts began her career as a newsreader, where the major talent is an ability to read out loud without appearing to do so. Therefore, despite seemingly to be an expert on all matters from the ancient world to the modern one and from the arcana of ancient religions right through…

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Political Controversy in the UK

Tablecloth Swollenmember is probably the UK’s most prominent ordinary Member of Parliament. He has never held any of the high offices of state, or even any lowly cabinet position, despite being one of the longest serving Members of Parliament in Britain. As many former government ministers and political correspondents have pointed out, the UK has never elected a Prime Minister mad enough to consider offering Swollenmember a job in government. Which is surprising considering the people who have ended up as Great Britain’s Prime Minister. Apparently, even for them, there is a step too far. The media know Swollenmember mostly…

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The Secrets of Britain’s Most Popular TV Cooking Programme

Dysentery Seasonalrelish is probably the UK’s latest leading celebrity cook. Her signature dish – the fish finger and tomato ketchup sandwich –according to food experts and TV critics alike - has revolutionised the whole genre of TV cooking shows. As we all know, cooking programmes on the TV are a form of food porn. People watch these programmes not so much as a guide to how to do it themselves, but as a replacement for doing it themselves. Like porn, it is a displacement activity when the real thing is too much work, trouble or involves inviting people around when…

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Britain’s Leading TV Naturalist

Saladoil Penguincheese is probably the UK’s leading TV naturalist. He has appeared in, and narrated, some of the BBC’s most watched and highest rated natural world documentaries of the last decade. This includes the award-winning Day in the Life of a Discarded Crisp Packet. Most of us on our strolls through the countryside and urban parklands have often wondered about these mysteries of nature. We are all familiar with the bright, sometimes gaudy plumage and markings of the wild empty crisp packet. Many of us – no matter how amateur or neophyte - pride ourselves on being able to tell…

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