Category: Religion

The Philosophy of Bacon Sandwiches

‘Each donkey is unique in its own way. Then again so is each mandolin. However, approaching the wrong donkey with the wrong mandolin is not recommended. Nor – for that matter - is approaching the right donkey with the wrong mandolin.’ As many of those who have studied philosophy will recognise, those are the words of the great post-neo-realist prephenominalistional philosopher Bert ‘Bert’ Presupposition. Not only did Presupposition come up with what is undoubtedly the greatest examination of the complex relationship between donkeys and mandolins in the whole of philosophy, he also claimed with evidence to back up his claim,…

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Tears of Sadness, Tears of Joy

We did not know why it happened. It felt like any other time. The years rolled on much as they always had, and – we assumed – always would. The young were born, they got older, and if disease or other misfortune did not tear them from us, they married, had children of their own and then the gods called them back to the Old World. Or, at least we thought they did. Now we know. Now we know that the stories told about the gods, the stories passed down by the elders from generation to generation were not true.…

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A Surfeit of the Middle Ages

Although born in the late Middle-Ages, Palfrey Surfeit became one of the most famous proto-scientists and artists of his – and all – time. Surfeit astounded the scholars of the period when he discovered that women were naked under their clothes. He also proved the moon was not actually made of the navel lint of angels as was commonly believed back then. The natural scientists of the time, following Aristotle, were aware that there were - in theory - such things as naked ladies. After all, they believed the first woman, Eve, was naked in the Garden of Eden. But…

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Jehovah’s Perverts

It happens usually about once a month or so with all the inevitability of a drunken celebrity appearing in the tabloid headlines. There you are going about your normal daily business, maybe oiling your sex spatulas or ritually polishing your perversion tandem when there comes a knock on your doorbell. Maybe you are expecting a rather bulky package in plain wrapping from a specialist supplier (online only), so you open the door, expecting the postman, only to be confronted by THEM! "Good morning, sir! Have you ever thought that the world would be a much better place if only people…

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Ancient Pagan Rites

Deep in the deepest, darkest, heart of the Little Frigging Woods is one of the oldest still living trees in the area. Consequently, over the years - before Christianity came along and spoilt it - this ancient tree and its immediate environs became the scene for many a pagan holy rite. As they knew how to do the religion business properly in those far of days of yore (and mine), it was the scene of many, many naughty goings-on and situations of extreme moistness in the very epitome of bacchanalian extravagance not seen again on these shores until the drug-fuelled…

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You Cannot Have a War Without Mud

The shadows creep across the end of the day like wounded crawling from the battlefield, knowing the dark night is catching them up. Once the darkness takes them, they know they will never see the light again. Sometimes, though, especially in the cold grey mists of morning, it does feel like we have lived too long. Sometimes the thought of that eternal darkness is welcoming, especially in the cold, the rain and the mud. Sometimes, too, it seems like you cannot have a war without mud. Although Jagar has said, there are lands across the Silver Sea, beyond even the…

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Crop Circles

‘Sshh, they’ll hear,’ Shala hissed. ‘Sorry.’ It had seemed like a good idea back in the Inn, as do many such ideas. But the ropes and the planks were awkward to carry. ‘Are you sure this is wise?’ Shala looked worried now. I could see the doubt in her eyes in the moonlight. The moonlight got brighter, and then it wasn’t moonlight any longer. ‘Oh shi… Dad… Father… my lord.’ I would have dropped to my knees, but the planks were in the way. I managed to pick up the rope I’d dropped though. ‘What’s going on, boy?’ He looked…

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Free Kindle Humour Novel: In the Beginning

In the Beginning FREE for the next Five days. Get it here (UK link), here (US link), or here (universal link) In the Beginning It’s a God’s life. Albert Meadows, recently made redundant and tired of his disappointing life, is looking to make a new start and is desperate to find something worthwhile to fill his time. So, what could be better than creating a brand new universe of his own, in his garden shed? But, when he introduces intelligent life to his new universe, things don’t turn out as he planned, especially when the tribes on his planet each…

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When the Crows Laugh

We knew the story long before we young ones realised the place existed. A tale told by the old ones around the fires at night. They talked of the Old Times, and we thought they were just stories. Stories like the tales of the various long-ago gods fighting each other until they killed this world. Those who were old when our old ones were young told them the same tales about the gods and their clashing armies. Of course, we laughed. When you are young, it is hard to believe the old ones were once as young as you are.…

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Not Even Here

I gave these things names. I thought it was important at the time that this should be a named world and that the creatures I put there should also have names. I have wanted a name for so long. For all those eons, I desired not just to be, but to be someone. But there was no-one here to give me a name. There was hardly even a here. I knew I could create, that I could take nothing and turn it into something. I didn’t see the need though, not for a long time. I was all I needed.…

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