Category: Food

The Theory of Pie

In the past, people often thought the universe was unchanging and eternal… at least until the invention of the pie. Philosophers, after Plato, thought this world was somehow an imperfect copy of some ideal existence. This world was a mere shadow cast on the cave wall, of the perfect world. But as Francis Bacon discovered centuries later in one of his earliest true scientific experiments, putting pasty around some meat changes everything. Although, the Greek philosophers, notably Heraclitus, had first noted that people rarely wanted to eat the same meal twice in a row. So, shoving some meat, veg and…

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The Philosophy of Bacon Sandwiches

‘Each donkey is unique in its own way. Then again so is each mandolin. However, approaching the wrong donkey with the wrong mandolin is not recommended. Nor – for that matter - is approaching the right donkey with the wrong mandolin.’ As many of those who have studied philosophy will recognise, those are the words of the great post-neo-realist prephenominalistional philosopher Bert ‘Bert’ Presupposition. Not only did Presupposition come up with what is undoubtedly the greatest examination of the complex relationship between donkeys and mandolins in the whole of philosophy, he also claimed with evidence to back up his claim,…

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A Domestic Goddess

Obviously, it was not what was originally envisaged. But, as you probably know, very few of these things are, especially not if that original envisaging is mostly instigated through the medium of advertising. Once an old advertising slogan went along the lines of ‘it does what it says on the tin.’ Mostly though, things have a tendency not to, especially these days. After all, most of us know that advertising doesn’t work and we know that we – in particular – are too wise to fall for its blandishments. We have seen it all, by now, and seen through all…

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How Cheese Made Civilisation Possible

Many people these days are familiar with how evolutionary psychology has shaped the human mind. For back in the early years, when humans were small groups of hunter gatherers, there was little or no naturally occurring cheese to be found. Those who did discover the natural cheese deposits began to mine it and develop the various stone tools that archaeology has shown were used to mine the cheese. Although rather primitive by today’s cheese mining technology, those early stone tools enabled many of these small bands of hunter-gatherers to settle in places where the cheese could be mined. Originally, archaeologists…

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About The Weather

There are times when outdoor, or field, perversions become somewhat problematical. I am sure, by way of example, you are all too familiar with what can happen with weasel liver oil when diluted by water, which makes it unsuitable to use as a lubricant, or other unguent, during a downpour. If there is heavy rain in prospect during your field perversions then I would suggest you equip your perversion utility belt with badger spleen oil, rather than the more usual – for outdoor perversions, that is – weasel liver oil. It is also wise – and here I speak from…

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The More Advanced Fruit-Based Sexual Perversions

We have mentioned fruit-based perversions before, but for those wishing to further their understanding of these more esoteric deviations today we are going to examine some of the more advanced fruit-based sexual perversions. Such deviations as the Loganberry Run and the Strawberry Feel are, quite evidently, more for the summer months. This is especially so in the case of the Loganberry Run where the loganberry bowler will need a long run up before bowling the loganberries. That is if the receiver is to get the full erotic benefit from the event. With the Strawberry Feel, of course, the long light…

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Damsons in Distress

‘Is it worth it?’ ‘I… what do you mean?’ The squire shifted the load on the tired old packhorse. The horse gave the squire a long-suffering look. The squire turned back to Sir Pokeabit. ‘This going on a quest… is it worth it?’ ‘Worth it? There are dragons to kill, damsons to rescue, treasure to find.’ ‘Did you say damsons?’ ‘No, of course not.’ Sir Pokeabit looked down at his thigh. There must be some way of scratching it without having to take the armour off again. ‘I said damsels.’ ‘Damsels, what are they?’ ‘Well-‘ Now his other thigh was…

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Village Green Orgies And The English Summer

Obviously, during a typical British summer, especially a barbecue summer as faithfully promised by our weather forecasters, it is advisable not to try to hold an open-air orgy on the village green, certainly not without snorkels and flippers. Admittedly, an open-air orgy in snorkels and flippers does have a great deal to recommend it, especially for such perversions as The Smoked Haddock Pandemonium and The Battered Cod Fillet And Assistant Librarian Mushy Pea. This also goes for the more usual aquatic or semi-aquatic perversions you are no doubt already familiar with, such as The Mud-Wrestling Vicar and Campanologist, The Damp…

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At Least in Theory

Obviously it wasn’t quite as green as she made out… at least not in a certain light. After all, she did specify a fresh one, rather than a ripe one. So she can’t complain. Well, she can – and often does - complain. Often the complaints are not necessarily about things that are not my fault. At first, I do believe they are not my fault. But like those communist self-criticism meetings, eventually I do discover, through her thorough and expert analysis of all the factors, that it was – indeed – my fault all along. Then it is just…

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Is Perversion An Art Or A Science?

Placing the chocolate éclair precisely on the cusp of the assistant librarian, no matter whether she is perfectly-bound or not, is often - to a large extent a matter of artistic interpretation, rather than an exact science.’ Bertrand Russell – Principia Naughtyathica (Introduction).   Now, I’m sure that the above is something all of you (both) gathered here to peruse my organ have often considered. For, it is a question, is it not, whether the perverted arts are as much a science as they are an art? For in a sense doesn’t the constant refinement of technique; i.e. the best…

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