Category: Environment

Llamas and Bureaucracy – A Crisis in the Making

Still, I suppose you know what llamas are like. Most people these days have at least some familiarity with what was once regarded as exotic wildlife - at least in places far from their natural habit – through the medium of the TV nature documentary. Although, even these days, there are still some people who are surprised by the llama’s natural antipathy towards any form of bureaucracy. Many wildlife programme-makers have been somewhat lax in this regard, and not just with llamas. Often, they prefer to fill their programmes with sweeping panoramas of herds migrating across the great plain in…

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Monday Poem: The Frozen Fields

The Frozen Fields We drift through mists that hide the day. The night will close in on us, and the cold Will make us huddle protectively inside. The rain will fall, almost frozen, hard Like the ice of sadness that freezes Then shatters the delicate heart of one Who has known love and seen it die Alone and uncared for, out in the frozen fields Of a time lost to it and bare of all traces Of the hearts it once held, beating together Inside itself, as though something so strong Could never be beaten or could ever die.

A Real World Out There?

This world is not the world I remember. It has been some years, how many I do not know. But it goes beyond that. Changes over the time I’ve been away I could expect and understand. But this – these changes – go beyond mere alterations made by the passage of time. Something fundamental is different from this world to the one I left behind. It should be a matter of subtracting the year I left this world from the current one to give me an idea of how much time I lost while I was… away. But the calendar…

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The Naked Gardener

Now world-famous for trimming her bush live on BBC3.142’s Naked Gardening, Herbaceous Seedling has become a horticultural media sensation. Countless millions of viewers have watched her uncanny prowess with handling a dibber on web video Sites. Her naked gardening DVDs have outsold not only the top-selling porn DVDs but also the recordings of semi-naked actors doing a bit of sweaty scything in historical dramas set in Cornwall. Many TV critics have put Seedling’s success down to the way her buds are always perky during filming, and how she holds the camera’s attention even when bending down for a bit of…

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A Dirty Mind

‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I’ll think of something.’ ‘Oh.’ She shuffled her feet and gave me one of those looks. ‘What’s that mean?’ I said. ‘What’s what mean?’ ‘That look.’ ‘What look?’ ‘The sort of look a woman gives a man when she’s expecting him to make an arse of himself, or worse an arse of her.’ She was watching me carefully. I thought about naming her. I should have done it before I’d started writing her, so I could have begun with identifying her as a specific person. ‘A sensible one this time.’ ‘What?’ I was beginning to wonder…

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About The Weather

There are times when outdoor, or field, perversions become somewhat problematical. I am sure, by way of example, you are all too familiar with what can happen with weasel liver oil when diluted by water, which makes it unsuitable to use as a lubricant, or other unguent, during a downpour. If there is heavy rain in prospect during your field perversions then I would suggest you equip your perversion utility belt with badger spleen oil, rather than the more usual – for outdoor perversions, that is – weasel liver oil. It is also wise – and here I speak from…

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When the Law came to Town

Straddle Banjodisaster rode into town on his organic free-trade bicycle. Or, at least, he would have if the tyres made from recycled newspapers had not got damp when he peddled too close to a puddle and the tyres washed away down the road. So he pushed his bicycle along the pavement, next to the busy dual carriageway, sneering at every single occupancy vehicle that came past. He was more than a little disconcerted to see there was not even a bus lane, let alone a Park and Ride facility, or any other mass transit system in operation. But this was…

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The Fundamental Theory of Cats

Pelmet Cheesetoastie is probably the world’s most famous contemporary theoretical physicist. Although he may not have the luxuriant hairstyling necessary for a career as a TV scientist, nevertheless he has found international fame through the vital nature of his studies. At first, the scientific world was sceptical about another fundamental force beyond the forces physics already understood. However, with such problems as dark matter, dark energy, the nature of black holes and a method of reconciling gravity with the other physical forces, many felt that physics needed something else to resolve these difficulties. Cheesetoastie’s theories, although initially controversial, are now…

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Sunday Poem: Stories and Lies

Stories and Lies I saw her. She was walking so alone. The road was long, and lasted all her days. She would, I knew, then grow so weary sore Of walking, long before that endless road Then curved off into distance far beyond. The road was heading on towards some place Beyond the maps we knew she’d never see. She’d only hear the stories people told Of distant places, tales from travellers Much like me. Stories told by wanderers All like me, who can merely tell these lies, That only ever fail to bring back here Those distant places with…

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Village Green Orgies And The English Summer

Obviously, during a typical British summer, especially a barbecue summer as faithfully promised by our weather forecasters, it is advisable not to try to hold an open-air orgy on the village green, certainly not without snorkels and flippers. Admittedly, an open-air orgy in snorkels and flippers does have a great deal to recommend it, especially for such perversions as The Smoked Haddock Pandemonium and The Battered Cod Fillet And Assistant Librarian Mushy Pea. This also goes for the more usual aquatic or semi-aquatic perversions you are no doubt already familiar with, such as The Mud-Wrestling Vicar and Campanologist, The Damp…

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