Category: Animals

The Mystery of the Disappearing Queen

‘You missed a good story in the inn last night.’ Helm shrugged. ‘I have little time for storytellers. They’re all liars.’ Tolg sat down beside the shepherd, both watching the sheep. ‘Oh, this storyteller is new. He hasn’t visited our village before.’ Helm muttered his thanks as Tolg passed him the wine bottle. Helm drank deep; watching sheep was a thirsty business. ‘Anyway,’ Tolg said. ‘This storyteller told us a new tale - about the Queen of Amboria.’ Helm stopped drinking. ‘Where?’ ‘Amboria.’ ‘Never heard of it.’ Helm swallowed, even though he was clutching the bottle in both hands where…

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Llamas and Bureaucracy – A Crisis in the Making

Still, I suppose you know what llamas are like. Most people these days have at least some familiarity with what was once regarded as exotic wildlife - at least in places far from their natural habit – through the medium of the TV nature documentary. Although, even these days, there are still some people who are surprised by the llama’s natural antipathy towards any form of bureaucracy. Many wildlife programme-makers have been somewhat lax in this regard, and not just with llamas. Often, they prefer to fill their programmes with sweeping panoramas of herds migrating across the great plain in…

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The Fundamental Theory of Cats

Pelmet Cheesetoastie is probably the world’s most famous contemporary theoretical physicist. Although he may not have the luxuriant hairstyling necessary for a career as a TV scientist, nevertheless he has found international fame through the vital nature of his studies. At first, the scientific world was sceptical about another fundamental force beyond the forces physics already understood. However, with such problems as dark matter, dark energy, the nature of black holes and a method of reconciling gravity with the other physical forces, many felt that physics needed something else to resolve these difficulties. Cheesetoastie’s theories, although initially controversial, are now…

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Reality is Not What it Used to Be

‘Is it real?’ I asked. ‘Ah.’ Professor Wilheim thrust his hands into the pockets of his lab coat. ‘That is an interesti-‘ A puzzled frown crossed his face. He withdrew his right hand from the pocket. He was now holding about two-thirds of a cheese salad baguette in his hand. He sniffed it, prodded it with a finger and took an experimental bite. ‘Is it real?’ I repeated. The puzzled frown was back as Wilheim stared at the now slightly smaller baguette in his hand. ‘It tastes real.’ ‘Not that… that.’ I pointed. The dragon looked up at the sound…

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Prudent Sex Utensil Drawer Management

It is very important always to remember to put your sexual arousal spatulas back into the sex utensil drawer, ready for next time. For there is nothing more frustrating than having, say, a local librarian or cake shop manageress almost at the point of sexual ecstasy having to wait with ever-decreasing ardour while you search down the back of the sofa, or under the tupping restraints for the sexual arousal spatulas you are certain you left there last time. It is also probably best not to lend your sex utensils out, not even to friends and close relatives. For you…

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Jehovah’s Perverts

It happens usually about once a month or so with all the inevitability of a drunken celebrity appearing in the tabloid headlines. There you are going about your normal daily business, maybe oiling your sex spatulas or ritually polishing your perversion tandem when there comes a knock on your doorbell. Maybe you are expecting a rather bulky package in plain wrapping from a specialist supplier (online only), so you open the door, expecting the postman, only to be confronted by THEM! "Good morning, sir! Have you ever thought that the world would be a much better place if only people…

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Not as We Know It

It was soft, gentle, almost like the echo of some fading half-forgotten dream left behind on the pillow of a warm summer morning. Berna felt it there, in her mind, waiting for her. It should have been comforting, a reassurance of something living, like a docile pet in the hands of a child. But…. Something made Berna doubt. There was something about it being there which was not right. It did not belong there, and she had no idea what it was or how it got there. There was something wrong about this calm, docility too. The calming warmth of…

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The Special Theory of Cheese

These days Spangle Teatray is probably the world’s most famous TV scientist. Both TV critics and viewers regard her hit BBC TV series on Norman Ninestein’s Special Theory of Cheese as the best science programme ever on TV. As one critic said, ‘it is the most comprehensive scientific description of the fundamental role cheese plays in the universe for a popular audience.’ In viewing figures alone, the Theory of Cheese series beat several series of The Naked Auditor, C4’s frank expose of naturist accountancy, presented by Sprinkle Doubleentry, the world’s leading naughty accountant. The viewing public these days is rather…

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Use Of the Barn

During the traditional British summer, it is often the case that the frequent drizzle gives way to actual rain. For those who do not wish to partake of fully-moistened perversions then it is advisable to gather all ones accoutrements together and repair to some place more suitable, and – hopefully – drier. Traditionally, in the suburban and urban environments the bedroom has often been the location of choice in such an eventuality. However, those of us who reside in the country have often made more use of the barn. For not only does it provide plenty of straw, and -…

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Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1

Now, if you first tether the donkey 73.25 degrees widdershins of the last tupping shed to the left (facing North), then you can apply the parsnip, gently in a clockwise motion until it is fully seated. Then – and only then – you can take a firm grasp on your rod and manipulate it until you can detect its twitchings. By then, of course the young lady should have finished dressing herself up as a supply geography teacher. She should be almost ready to apply the lubrication to the leather elbow patches on her jacket. When it is precisely 14…

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