Size is Important

Even so, there is a lot to be said for the cautious approach, especially if she is engrossed in one of her favourite TV programmes at the time. There is – I’ve found – nothing more disconcerting to the lady of the household than interrupting her when she is engrossed. Particularly if the aforementioned drama is getting to a good bit that could involve the removal of the protagonist’s shirt for some strenuous scything. It is best therefore to wait until the end of the programme, or an advertising break – depending on how urgent the need. If you are…

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No Such Thing as Innocence

Henry took a step back into the shadow at the corner of the boarded up row of shops facing the deserted street. He waited, listening. There was no sound except a distant siren streets away. He peered out, first checking the sky. There was no sign of a drone. But there often wasn’t. These days they flew high for their own safety, their rotor motors inaudible from the ground. As for the satellite images and other surveillance – it was too late for that now. Bloodstains, bricks, stones, smashed glass and other debris littered the post-riot street. Across from the…

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The Look

‘Perhaps this would be a good place to start?’ I said. She looked around. She was not impressed. ‘Not much of a page is it?’ ‘What do you mean? A page is a page. They all look like this until something is written on them. She didn’t seem convinced. She gave me a look. That kind of look. She glanced up towards the previous sentence. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ ‘What it said.’ ‘That kind of look? Really? She shook her head. ‘I can fix it in the next draft.’ She gave me another look. ‘Stop that.’ ‘Why, it gets…

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The Reality-Based Community and its Enemies

Over the last few decades, it has become increasingly apparent, especially to self-styled progressives (sic) and ideological fundamentalists, that the current reality we inhabit is simply not good enough for them. This is causing increasing concern especially to those infected with politics who are obsessed with what they see as fairness and equality. Consequently, there are now increasing calls to replace this reality as soon as possible by one they can feel more comfortable inhabiting. Only yesterday, the spokesorganism from the radical environmentalist movement, The Eco-Taliban, Gaia Bunnykisser, released a new manifesto for when the Eco-Taliban party calls its next…

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When Empires Fall

The end, when it came, came quickly. For a long time the Sun Empire had dismissed us as savages, treated us cruelly, kept us behind a wall in the northernmost outposts of their Empire. My father and his father before him had both led armies against that wall. Both had failed. My Grandfather died falling from the wall. Only he and twelve of his greatest warriors had reached the top of the wall. None of them lived to see what lay beyond the wall. My father, when his turn came as leader of the Twenty Tribes, did see what lay…

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Little Frigging All-Nude Mass Pogo Stick Display Team

The Little Frigging All-Nude Mass Pogo Stick display team are preparing themselves for an exhibition of pogo-stick based perversions at the UK Annual Rude And Naughty Exhibition at the O2 Arena, in London at the end of this month. As you probably know, if you indulge in a frequent perusal of my organ whenever I display my latest outpourings, quite often the Little Frigging naked pogo stick squad can be found exhibiting themselves to the public whenever the opportunity arises. They have displayed themselves to many thousands of people throughout the length, and – on two occasions – the breadth,…

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Soldiery and the British Empire

Salute Runituptheflagpole is one of the most famous British soldiers from the British Empire era. As many people know, the British Empire was once the largest empire the world had ever known. For such a far-flung and expansive empire, the British army itself was relatively small. But to fill its ranks it drew its soldiery from a British population of men prepared to argue and fight about more or less anything. This belligerent spirit grew out of the development of the British pub. A place that existed so that working men, once their jobs were over, could argue and fight…

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The Dragon Slayer

‘Sire?’ ‘Be on your guard, Plotkin. They could be anywhere.’ The squire looked around warily and drew his horse closer to his master’s massive warhorse. He looked up at the knight encased in the armour Plotkin had spent most of the night polishing. ‘Sire?’ ‘What now?’ ‘You said, back at the Inn where you hired me, that you were Sir Roderick… Sir Roderick the Dragon Slayer.’ ‘Er… yes. Don’t watch me, boy, keep a look out.’ ‘Of course, sire.’ Plotkin, eased the sword in the scabbard at his side. Not that a sword would be much use against a dragon.…

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Better Than This

She stood in the doorway. It was a bit literal, but it was only a first draft after all. She’d been in worse stories. Some even by this writer. It was a bit sad really. At one time, when she first became fictional for him, she thought he had a future. He had a certain originality that she found intriguing. It was not literary, which was a relief to her. She’d been a character in literary fiction before and she couldn’t cope with it anymore. She’d also been a set of… what? Tropes, maybe? Or some other obscure lit-crit word…

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Dear Gertrude

But, dear Gertrude, there are only so many sensuous situations we can ponder upon in our garden of dreams. You may have the tennis racquet and I have a pineapple, but where are the politicians when we need them? Of course, many philosophers down the ages have held a pomegranate in one hand while cursing the darkness of the human soul and/or Wolverhampton, but we my dear Gertrude are made of sterner stuff. Even if it requires a deal more sellotape to hold it together compared to the halcyon days of your long departed youth. Just why your youth departed…

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