Going for a Walk

Far be it from me – about 1473 miles as the crow flies providing there is no French air traffic control strike – to make any such claim as to the veracity of what is about to be now undertaken. But occasionally these things need to be aired and aired in public. That is what she more or less said to the judge anyway. He – being of a more open frame of mind than the judiciary were once renowned for – agreed there was some merit to her claim. However, he said that such open and frank displays could become a public menace on the highways. He did allow, though, that it was the rush hour – a misnomer if there ever was one – and the traffic was more or less at a standstill, so the number of cars driven off the road when the drivers caught sight of her in all her glorious womanhood was kept to a minimum.

She also pointed out that naked protest is these days becoming almost de rigour, up to the point where even the tabloids are getting tired of pixelating nipples.

The prosecution counsel then pointed out that she was not protesting at the time.

However, the defendant said there was plenty she could protest about: from the price of car parking in the city centre to the lack of top-flight drama in the evening TV schedules. And should she have thought it necessary, she could easily have provided a placard protesting about any contemporary issue of the day. But as was already pointed out it was the rush hour and elbow room is somewhat limited in the crowds of commuters, especially near the railway station exit and the bus stop.

In fact, such was the press of the crowd; she was surprised that the arresting officer even noticed her state of undress.

However, she could explain.

With permission of both the defence and prosecution counsels, the judge expressed a wish that the court would like to hear her explanation. This caused something of a ruckus in the press gallery, as unusually there was more than the sleeping stringer for the local free sheet in attendance. There were enough accredited persons there to make up a sizeable scrum with standing room only at the back.

After all, she is as the tabloids have been pointing out an ex-Page 3 model, made redundant by hectoring puritans and the politically vindictive.

There were claims in the more left-leaning press, especially the one paper with intellectual pretensions, that this display of public nudity was little more than a publicity stunt, possibly by one of its particular folk devil bête noir tabloid proprietors to boost circulation of his ailing papers.

That press baron of course replied that that particular leftist paper was in far more need of a publicity drive to boost its circulation than any of his titles did. A claim with much merit and – unusually for his newspaper stable – factually accurate.

However, the judge in the end dismissed the case. He pointed out that a nationwide petition with several million signatures suggested that far from being an outrage to public decency, the whole event was the best thing to happen in this country – Brexit notwithstanding – since the World Cup win of 1966. Furthermore, he stated, far from being censured the defendant should be lauded throughout the entire British Isles and offered a television contract post-haste for any more proposed naked walks on the thoroughfares of this great land.

 

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