Category: Mystery

Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1

Now, if you first tether the donkey 73.25 degrees widdershins of the last tupping shed to the left (facing North), then you can apply the parsnip, gently in a clockwise motion until it is fully seated. Then – and only then – you can take a firm grasp on your rod and manipulate it until you can detect its twitchings. By then, of course the young lady should have finished dressing herself up as a supply geography teacher. She should be almost ready to apply the lubrication to the leather elbow patches on her jacket. When it is precisely 14…

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One Last Time Around

It was dark. Dark and wet. Although, by now the rain had stopped. It was chilly too, now that summer was turning slowly into winter. ‘It’s dark.’ ‘Yes,’ Signaur agreed. ‘And wet.’ ‘Yes.’ Signaur hissed. ‘I’m supposed to be being quiet.’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘It’s-‘ Signaur turned. ‘Who are you?’ He turned a bit more. ‘Where are you?’ ‘Ah.’ ‘Ah. What’s that supposed to mean?’ ‘It means,’ said the voice from somewhere in the shadows of the alleyway, ‘that it is not quite that simple.’ ‘What do you mean?’ Signaur peered into the darkness and saw more darkness. ‘Who are you?’ ‘That’s…

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Space Junk

It was another one of those things. Drenk sighed. This would need more than a formal warning when she got there. This made seven she’d counted in this sector alone. Analysis had shown their trajectories all mapped back to the same originating planet. Drenk hoped a warning not to launch any more of their litter into space would be enough. But now as she drew closer, she was outraged to discover that not only were they littering the space lanes with their junk they were also polluting the radio wavelengths with their… well, noise pollution was the phrase that sprung…

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Ancient Pagan Rites

Deep in the deepest, darkest, heart of the Little Frigging Woods is one of the oldest still living trees in the area. Consequently, over the years - before Christianity came along and spoilt it - this ancient tree and its immediate environs became the scene for many a pagan holy rite. As they knew how to do the religion business properly in those far of days of yore (and mine), it was the scene of many, many naughty goings-on and situations of extreme moistness in the very epitome of bacchanalian extravagance not seen again on these shores until the drug-fuelled…

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Always Remember His Name

Another day, another scene. Or, if he was unlucky enough, and the writer got into the flow, a complete bloody chapter. He was getting too old for this. Back when he started, it seemed like an exciting career choice, glamorous and sexy. To be the protagonist in action thrillers seemed like the dream job. After all, his father had been the man in maths problems. True sometimes he played a farmer, a train driver, a builder or some similar character. But all he did was carry improbable loads from one place to another, build awkwardly shaped houses, plant crops in…

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Just One More Lifetime

‘I do know. I was young once too.’ Penna had actually been young more than once. Quite a few times actually. But these were simple folk with a simple outlook on life who tended to set fire to things – or people – they did not understand. Penna had found that out a few of those times in the past when she’d been young – although, at the time as it turned out, not for long. These days she was much more careful, cautious about what she told people about her powers, her abilities. ‘I’m sure we’ll find them.’ Penna…

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Evolution and Celebrity

For many decades now evolutionary psychologists and biologists have wondered just what is the point of celebrities. As we know, celebrities seem to do very little other than gain media attention, often for the most banal of reasons. All a celebrity has to do is walk down the street for scores of paparazzi, celebrity watches and even ordinary members of the public to be mesmerised by them. Some evolutionary psychologists have argued that the modern celebrity is merely a modern mutation of the medieval fool or jester, someone whose sole purpose in life is to be an idiot for others…

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The First Orgies Of Spring

Now, as the open-air orgy season begins to start the commencement of its initial stages once again, as the inclement weather fades into the past, we in Little Frigging are preparing to gird our loins ready for the first early-morning orgies of spring. Girding of one’s loins is – of course – essential for these, the first few spring early-morning orgies where the possibility of a late frost is always present. Frostbite of one’s particulars is always very nasty, as is also the possibility of the cold and damp ground of the village green having untoward effects upon other areas…

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Each Day was a Gift

Helda opened each day like a gift. I left the morning there for her outside her room before she awoke. It was there waiting for her when she opened her eyes. At first, she would stand there by her window watching the morning unfold in front of her as though it was some new wonder she had never seen before. Which, in a way, was true. Helda did not know why she was here, or what had happened to the world she once knew. I watched her trying to make sense of it. She could not connect the view from…

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Another Morning in the Sun Empire

‘Mornings.’ The emperor looked out from his palace balcony at the city below. ‘Your majesty?’ Pelgrin sighed. It wasn’t going to be one of those days, was it? The emperor had once glanced at a couple of pages in a book and therefore occasionally fancied himself an intellectual. The emperor turned as if he was about to impart some great pearl of wisdom, but - in turning – he must have forgotten what he was about to say. Pelgrin exhaled in relief. The last thing the Sun Empire needed was an emperor who believed he knew what he was doing,…

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