Category: Health And Safety

Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1

Now, if you first tether the donkey 73.25 degrees widdershins of the last tupping shed to the left (facing North), then you can apply the parsnip, gently in a clockwise motion until it is fully seated. Then – and only then – you can take a firm grasp on your rod and manipulate it until you can detect its twitchings. By then, of course the young lady should have finished dressing herself up as a supply geography teacher. She should be almost ready to apply the lubrication to the leather elbow patches on her jacket. When it is precisely 14…

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Olympic Level Cheese Ignoring

Spigot Tremblehammer is probably the world’s leading exponent of the ancient art of cheese ignoring. Although there are still several professional and semi-professional cheese ignoring leagues throughout the world (and Canada), many sports fans often overlook it. However, all that is set to change now that the Olympic committee has confirmed that cheese ignoring will be – only for the second time – included in the Olympic games. That is providing the Olympic organisers can find a city daft enough to stump up the eye-bleeding sums necessary to host the next games. Of course, cheese ignoring was all set to…

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Open-Air Orgies And Their Drawbacks

Spring is now upon us and I trust you all (both of you) have your sexual arousal spatulas fully-oiled (with turbo-weasel spleen oil) ready for the new season’s round of orgies. It will not be long now before the open-air orgy scene begins in earnest*. Although open-air orgies seem to embody so much of the rural idyll, they, like most Arcadian fantasies differ in the reality a good deal from what you urban ‘sophisticates’ so naively imagine. Most obvious, I suppose, is the danger of exposing your nether regions and intimate delicate parts in the general vicinity of several forms…

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One Last Time Around

It was dark. Dark and wet. Although, by now the rain had stopped. It was chilly too, now that summer was turning slowly into winter. ‘It’s dark.’ ‘Yes,’ Signaur agreed. ‘And wet.’ ‘Yes.’ Signaur hissed. ‘I’m supposed to be being quiet.’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘It’s-‘ Signaur turned. ‘Who are you?’ He turned a bit more. ‘Where are you?’ ‘Ah.’ ‘Ah. What’s that supposed to mean?’ ‘It means,’ said the voice from somewhere in the shadows of the alleyway, ‘that it is not quite that simple.’ ‘What do you mean?’ Signaur peered into the darkness and saw more darkness. ‘Who are you?’ ‘That’s…

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Strom Thighhammer – Outstanding Tourist Attraction

Of late LFITW has often found itself on the tourist map for many different reasons – most, of course, having to do with the village’s well-known expertise in the matters of the rude, moist and extremely naughty. One of our biggest draws- in several senses of the word - is our proudly upstanding village blacksmith, Strom Thighhammer. A visit to his forge to see him stripped to the waist and wielding his mighty tool has become a must-see for the ladies of our fine nation. Each week we have coach trips from the various Women’s Institutes, Townswomen’s Guilds, Young Mother’s…

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Ancient Pagan Rites

Deep in the deepest, darkest, heart of the Little Frigging Woods is one of the oldest still living trees in the area. Consequently, over the years - before Christianity came along and spoilt it - this ancient tree and its immediate environs became the scene for many a pagan holy rite. As they knew how to do the religion business properly in those far of days of yore (and mine), it was the scene of many, many naughty goings-on and situations of extreme moistness in the very epitome of bacchanalian extravagance not seen again on these shores until the drug-fuelled…

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The Wheelbarrows of Perversion

Of course, it is not necessary to keep the post-orgy wheelbarrows solely for taking home those that have found themselves overcome by the end of the evening’s activities. For there are many garden-related perversions that can easily be adapted for the village hall orgy, except, perhaps, not the Forced Rhubarb Undertaking which is best left for those that are more familiar with a good mulching. Initially the wheelbarrows can transport certain garden fetish and perversion accessories to the village hall, such as trellising, patio furniture and – of course – not forgetting the essential bird table, vital for such garden…

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Always Remember His Name

Another day, another scene. Or, if he was unlucky enough, and the writer got into the flow, a complete bloody chapter. He was getting too old for this. Back when he started, it seemed like an exciting career choice, glamorous and sexy. To be the protagonist in action thrillers seemed like the dream job. After all, his father had been the man in maths problems. True sometimes he played a farmer, a train driver, a builder or some similar character. But all he did was carry improbable loads from one place to another, build awkwardly shaped houses, plant crops in…

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Vegetable-Related Perversions

Once you have fully recalibrated your bank manager and checked that the postmistress is fully up to temperature, you can see if the radishes have been prepared. Of course, most vegetable-related perversions such as The Twist And Sprout, The Pea-Pod Dalliance, The Lettuce Undertaking and – of course – The Corn Cob Surprise are most often utilised in a village orgy context, especially when both the red and green peppers have been sliced by a naked assistant librarian. Sometimes, however, they can be used in more formal occasions such as the full evening undress orgy, for example, the Annual Dinner,…

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Al Fresco

Al Fresco, our farmhand has been helping out the dairymaids yet again, down in the upper lower pasture. As far as we can tell, he seems to have been mostly helping them out of their underwear, judging by the number of discarded pairs of knickers and errant bras hanging from the horns of the cows when the rather pleased-looking dairymaids eventually bring them in at milking time. Al Fresco himself - who, it has often been said, makes our carthorses feel inadequate and our donkeys feel underdeveloped - does seem to prefer the outdoor life. Not for him the traditional…

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