New on Wattpad: The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula Chapter 2

[Read The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula from the start]   Early the next morning, Maureen and Norbert were back at their CPED: UK local office in Little Frigging in the Wold, ready to compile their report on the incident in the Lower Crotchstaine woods for the Central Perversion Enforcement Directorate’s Head Office (CPED: UK Central HQ) in London. ‘You’d best not mention the incident at the end.’ Maureen looked up from her tablet. ‘What, you mean when you and I…?’ ‘No, the fact that you were so affected by the giant sex spatula.’ Norbert nodded. The new CPED…

How the Years Lost Our Secrets

Back then, there were secrets. I could see it in her eyes, that momentary hesitation before she spoke. Of course, we both lied, often to ourselves more than to each other. Somehow, though, that time passed, the lies faded, and those secrets were hidden away as we tried to forget them. Occasionally a memory, a thought of other times, other places, other women, would cross my mind. Sometimes too, I saw Fiona staring off into the distance as if some memory lay on the horizon and she was wondering whether to acknowledge it, or let it sail away from this…

The Evolution of the Supermarket Car Park

Sir Bastion Bargepole was – as many already know – the first explorer successfully to circumnavigate the Tesco car park in Bewdley, back in the early Victorian era. Of course, back in those days supermarkets had only just been discovered in the wild untamed jungles outside the Home Counties. As cars had yet to be invented too, no-one at the time knew what the strange expanses of tarmac with their weird and incomprehensible geometric patterning were for. Judging by the way some cars are parked to this day, it seems that there are still some who don’t really understand the…

Of All the Dimensions in All the Universes

They all said how they had never seen me so happy, which I suppose must mean I was once a very miserable bugger indeed. ‘When can we meet her?’ It was a question I grew tired of hearing. I developed an extensive repertoire of evasive, non-committal responses. Of course, the best one was eventually admitting that it was a long-distance relationship. That did quieten a few of them down. But if I’d ever said just how long that distance was, then the only committal in the relationship would be committing me to some long-term residential mental care facility. At first,…

First Draft Problems: No. 1. Ooh, My Eyes

First Draft Problems – When Typing Goes Wrong An explanation: This is the first in what will possibly be a regular series, considering my typing abilities. It will feature short extracts from the current WiP 1st draft, where my typing fingers and what passes for my mind have had different ideas about what I meant to write. Like this: ‘Perhaps take an hour or two each day where you are not disturbed except in the direst emergency, learn to relax. Lie down, shit your eyes.’  

Between and Beyond Everything

It grew from nothing. The universe is emptier than we think. Everything that looks so solid is full of nothing, emptiness waiting to be filled. Out there, though, beyond what we like to see as reality, mysterious things were waiting. They were not even living, not even creatures… yet. But given enough space, they grew and grew and became. No-one, knew, no-one suspected, that these spaces between the constituents of matter could be used in such a way. No-one realised that the gaps between particles contained the possibility of growth, of things appearing seemingly out of nowhere. No-one realised that…

The Princess and the Kingdom

This time it would be different. Although, just how different that different would be, Melch wasn’t quite certain. All he knew was that the king should not be able to get away with it. Even if he was king… especially if he was king. After all, this was no longer the Century of Filing Cabinets, this was the modern world. As court wizard, Melch felt he had a particular responsibility. He was one of the inner circle, the High Privy Council. Melch shuddered. That was another thing; the king ought to be persuaded not to take the ‘privy’ in Privy…

The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula – Chapter One

Clutching their Perversion Proximity Sensors close to their palpitating chests, Norbert and Maureen Trouser-Quandary wormed their way through the entangling undergrowth. They made their way cautiously towards the very edge of the clearing near the heart of Lower Crotchstaine Woods. There they waited, both tense with trepidation, as the scene unfolded before their eyes. Of course, the sheep were there, freshly dipped in exotic unguents and resplendent in their various fetish gear, glinting in the moonlight and casting weird and wonderful patterns in the flickering glow of the bonfires. There were weasels and badgers too, glistening brightly with freshly-applied erotic…

The Ancient Music of Stone Age Britain

Recent excavations around certain ancient Stone Age sites in the UK have uncovered what archaeologists believe is the first evidence of a Rolling Stones gig at Stonehenge. Of course, the fossil evidence – mostly based on carbon dating Keith Richards, the Mick Jagger fossil record and dendrochronological study of Ron Wood has long shown that the history of the Rolling Stones goes back much further than original thought. Now many rock music archaeologists are convinced that rock music did exist in the Stone Age. They also contend this music led to the naming of the age and named the most…

Getting Started

This time was different. She was not sure if she liked it this way, or not. This time, when she arrived on the blank page, it was not blank. There was a room there. Not much of a room, admittedly. It was rectangular, maybe even square. She was not that bothered about knowing if it was actually square, but it looked it, more or less. Although, the room wasn’t much, just four walls, a floor and a ceiling. At least she approved of the way he was developing her character this time. She hated being one of those protagonists that…