We are All Cheese Dust

These days Paradigm Tachyonbadger is widely credited with the theoretical discovery of the quantum nature of cheese. For a long time, physicists at the Large Cheddar Collider on the Somerset/ Devon border have been conducting experiments to discover whether the so-called Tachyonbadger particle exists as this generally accepted theory postulates. The Tachyonbadger, or tasty, particle, is the substance many physicists believe that makes all cheeses from Camembert to Edam taste of cheese.

Not only that, many physicists also believe that – as many have suspected – cheese is one of the fundamental building blocks of the universe.

‘For a long time it was accepted fact that the Moon was made of cheese,’ Tachyonbadger said. ‘And one of the primary functions of the Apollo missions at the time was to find out if the Moon could become a major source of cheese should the worst happen and the Earth itself runs out of cheese.’

Of course, as we all know, the Apollo landings did confirm that the Moon is – indeed – made of cheese. According to NASA extra-terrestrial cheese scientists, the Moon cheese is some of the finest – and purest – cheese ever discovered. ‘Including that taken from the deepest cheese mine in the Cheddar Gorge,’ as Tachyonbadger authoritatively stated.

Since then, of course, there have been many probes launched into the solar system in the search for extra-terrestrial cheeses. The recent flyby of Pluto by the New Horizons probe confirmed that heavenly body – whether or not it is classed as a planet – is also somewhere in the region of 89% cheese, with a massive cheese plain spread across one-third of its surface.

For a long time too, cosmologists, astronomers and astrophysicists have known that the inner planets Mercury and – especially – Venus are made mostly of cheese. Although, of course, their closeness to the sun means that the cheese is mostly molten with large liquid flows of a cheese lava ‘much like Stilton,’ as one astronomer put it, across the surface of Venus facing the sun.

The Sun itself is, as Galileo said, like a big ball of Edam. Although since his time, solar scientists have discovered the massive cheese plumes that send out fundamental cheese particles into the solar system, including the Tachyonbadger particle.

It is these particles, scientists believe, that go on – once cooled – to create all the bodies in the Solar System, and, of course, everything on those bodies, including all living things, including intelligent life (and humans) too.

This is why the discovery of the fundamental cheese particles, including the Tachyonbadger particle, is so vital for our understanding of how the universe formed, but also how life itself developed from cheese. Including how that life became so prevalent and so diverse across the planetary surface of the Earth. Although, science has yet to discover life on other planets in the solar system, or even further afield out in the rest of the universe. Many feel, though, it is only a matter of time.

The discovery that life began on earth from cheese, and that the cheese particles are a fundamental building block of nature does lead to the conclusion that as Tachyonbadger put it ‘where there is cheese, there must be life.’ For as we all know, without cheese life as we know it would be almost impossible.