Sensual Mathematics and Hard Sums Theory

Cosine Inclinedplane is probably the UK’s leading authority on the aspect of theoretical mathematics known as Hard Sums Theory. From an early age, Inclinedplane expressed a fascination with numbers that left most of her contemporaries bewildered and confused. She later claimed in an interview that she knew how many beans made five while her classmates were still trying to develop a practical approach to colouring-in that didn’t go over the lines.

However, it was not until she reached university that Inclinedplane’s natural and innate mathematical abilities reached their peak. There, she began to really understand the nature of numbers and just why there are so many of them. It was her practical experimental work with the university’s rugby team, which first interested Inclinedplane in more complex mathematics. Especially in the geometrical possibilities of just how to get enough rugby players into the post-match bath, and yet still leave room for Inclinedplane herself and a loofah.

‘Some of those sums were very hard indeed,’ Inclinedplane admitted at a later date, when she had sufficiently recovered from her exhausting matriculations. ‘But not as hard as the scrum half,’ she added with an exhausted, but satisfied, smile.

It was this breakthrough in sensual geometry that led to Inclinedplane’s increasing interest in hard sums. In particular, working out just how hard it was and if it would stay hard long enough to meet Inclinedplane’s exacting standards.

However, despite these setbacks, as well as the local council banning her from approaching within a 500-yard radius of the fire station, Inclinedplane increased her efforts to construct a workable hard sum equation.

Many other mathematician with an interest in hard sums said that the paradox of satisfactory hardness – as it was known – was unsolvable. This was mainly because although satisfaction hardness could theoretically be achieved, then it would not stay hard for long enough to meet Inclinedplane’s standards. But if it lasted long enough, it would not be at what she believed was the optimum hardness throughout her cogitations.

However, Inclinedplane was not to be dissuaded. She argued that somewhere out there ‘because mathematics no matter how theoretical must at some point describe the real world,’ there would be someone out there to satisfy Inclinedplane’s Hard sums equations. There would be, she insisted, someone with the requisite hardness, but with the staying power to make both sides of her equations equal.

It was at the Annual Hard Sums Convention in Copenhagen in 2008 that Inclinedplane met a man who came up to her exacting standards. It was while doing research in some of the Scandinavian red light districts that she first came across the standards to which the porn industry expects its male stars to meet. Males in the adult industry are generally not as famous as its female stars. However, some of Inclinedplane’s earlier equations were adopted by the porn industry as minimum requirements for their male performers. Many of those performers were more than willing to assist Inclinedplane, not only on her theoretical work, but also in her practical experiments.

So, finally after all the years of theoretical work and practical experiments Inclinedplane was able to prove that there was a solution to the  Hard sum paradox. Not only that, she proved that the porn actor Longhaul Dobindong was the one that had proved her equation to her own satisfaction.

When presenting her paper, along with Dobindong providing a practical demonstration of the proof of her theory, Inclinedplane won a standing ovation at the conference and thus was her fame assured for all history.