A Breakthrough in Political Theory


Testes Sausagecrime is probably these days the leading political theorist in the UK. Recently, after several years of in-depth research he has concluded that there is a fundamental error right at the very heart of how people see politics. That is not just in the UK, but also in the Western world, if not throughout the entire world.

As Sausagecrime himself says, ‘since the time of the French Revolution, politics has been defined worldwide as – more or less – a divide between right and left. My research has drawn me to the conclusion that this approach is fundamentally flawed.’

Sausagecrime contends that it would make more sense to abandon this false dichotomy between Left and Right. ‘It is pretty meaningless in many ways,’ Sausagecrime insists, especially when it comes to the public perception of politics and politicians themselves.

Sausagecrime, however, does see that there still must be a way of distinguishing the two sides of political ‘debate’. Even though this is mostly a meaningless term these days, as the opposing sides do not debate with each other. Nor do they even offer competing ideological standpoints or philosophies. Instead, as Sausagecrime contends, they prefer to state a position using soundbites and slogans. Slogans which more often than not, on examination, turn out to be empty rhetoric at best and meaningless nonsense at worst.

‘I believe, however,’ Sausagecrime said in a recent interview, ‘that I have found a way around this problem.’ Sausagecrime believes that he has a method for preserving the mostly illusory difference between the mainstream parties at the centre and the most obvious differences as the ideological rhetoric between both sides increases.

‘As we know,’ Sausagecrime said recently, ‘most political difference is illusory at best. The mainstream parties are virtually identical when they compete for the middle ground. Meanwhile, extremists across the ideological divide end up coming back together, indistinguishable in their extremism and totalitarianism. So that a party of the extreme left is just as intolerant, extremist and authoritarian as any party from the extreme right. As Sausagecrime says, ‘political parties are indistinguishable in the middle and merge into each other at the extremes. This is why I believe that the old-fashioned idea of Right and Left is utter nonsense.’

Instead, Sausagecrime has come up with his own definitions for the two wings of the political debate. ‘I propose that one side should in future be known as Knobs, while the other side should be known as the Dicks. ‘Not only is Knobs and Dicks a far fairer form of nomenclature, it also sums up what must ordinary people think of politics and politicians,’ Sausagecrime said.

As Sausagecrime pointed out in a recent article, these definitions are far more accurate. So if, for example, in the UK, the Conservatives are Knobs, then it becomes absolutely clear that UKIP, for instance, are utter Knobs. Therefore, while the Labour party are Dicks, this makes the Green Party, for example, absolute Dicks.

Sausagecrime believes this will also make sense when the various parties transcend the old sterile limitations of Right and Left. Whereas for example many UKIP policies are what used to be called Left-wing, but they are more often than not classed as a party of the Right. ‘Just calling the whole bunch of politicians a collection of Knobs and Dicks makes it all so much easier to understand,’ Sausagecrime claims.

For many of us troubled by politics and what it all means, Sausagecrime could just have come up with the answer.